boy detox

My friends recently told me that I need a boy detox for a month...I promptly replied, "But I've been on a boy detox for 25 years!" According to them, not having a boyfriend, but still having indiscretions, does not equal detox.

Maybe a detox is in order. Now would be a good time to introduce the douche, the ambiguous and the ex.

Why not start with the douche?
Eric and I met up for drinks at a local bar. We started talking about our fondness of cider beer (I'm sure most of you are cringing already) and then proceeded to order our drinks...separately. Strange, yes? He stepped up to the bartender, and ordered one cider beer. She glanced back at me and asked, "Is that all for you?" He glanced back indifferently so I replied, "I'll have the same."

"That'll be $10."

He made no move for his wallet. I casually said, "I have cash." He nodded...hmmm really? So I handed him $6 and we moved to grab some seats in the lounge area.

Ok, so I don't mind going dutch on dates, or even paying for both of us, but he didn't even offer! How rude! And we got another round of drinks and ended up splitting the bill.

If you are trying to impress a girl on a first date, please offer to pay. In turn, I will offer to pay for my half...Is that too much to ask?

But we did have a great conversation, and there was some definite chemistry in there so we kissed at the end of the night.

We've met up two times since and split the bill each time. The last time, he even took part of my dinner home and yet somehow I agreed to go back to his place. Must have been a momentary lapse of judgement due to my shock and hunger. Luckily, my roommate locked herself out the precise moment I stepped out of his elevator...and I had to go to her rescue.

Narrow escape. It wasn't just the bill splitting that got to me. Eric was egocentric and was guilty of name dropping faster than Britney's panties (if she were to wear any).

Moving on to ambiguously well dressed, articulate, slightly high-pitched Derek.
And I'm not even making this up. Eric & Derek's actual names do rhyme as well.

How many times have you heard, "I really like this guy. He's attractive, intelligent, considerate, stylish, fit...but I think he might be gay." Add on "He's a buyer for menswear" and you might as well say, "I told you so."

I've seen Derek a handful of times, and I really want to like him...but something's missing. I've concluded that he is not gay, but I still don't want to rip off his shirt and jump him...instead I want to sip lattes and go vintage shopping. Not the best foundation for a non-platonic relationship.

Speaking of vintage, along comes Jon, blast from the past.
We briefly (and I do mean briefly) dated 2 years ago. I remember joking, "Have you seen 'How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days?' Will we make it past that mark?" Talk about foreshadowing. We made it a total of 10 days, yet he continued to call me for an entire year.

I finally agreed to meet up last year, but after one meeting, decided we were better off not being apart of each others' lives.

Fast forward another year, and I receive a casual e-mail from Jon. I ignore it...but after a couple months of mediocre dates, I decide to respond. So here we are again, in this weird limbo. We both want different things, but can't let go of the fun we have together.

The reason Jon and I decided to stop seeing each other is pretty sordid. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off. At one point, Jon even said, "We've seen each other 6 days out of the past 7... and it's going really well." And things were going swimmingly...we weren't clingy and geniunely had a good time together. Then I receive a cryptic text stating, "Things are going so well but I'm afraid I'm being swept up in a romance." Color me confused. Huh? He elaborates, "This girl is making me be her boyfriend." Um, last time I checked you're 23 and a grown-ass man. Clearly not the case. Maybe I should have seen this coming when he told me he had a couple dates with girls who were "just friends" and had set up before he ever met me. But I didn't mind...because it was fun and we weren't commited and so what if he went on a date or two with people he had met before? I was free to go on dates as well.

Later I found out that it wasn't several girls who were friends, but in fact one girl who was a potential girlfriend. And even after all this, he still wanted to hook up. AND that's not even the worst of it...I kicked his "I may have gotten a girl pregnant/she gave me an STD/I've been seeing someone for 6 months" sorry ass to the curb.

So why am I back for more? I don't understand it either...and all of my friends are bewildered.

Obviously I sought him out because I like his advances, but will I actually go through with it?
Nothing has transpired so far...but if the following text conversation is any indication, I'm headed for trouble...condensed version, but you get the jist. (Side note, why do we sound like idiotic teenagers? This is troubling...)

Jon: "Can't meet up quick cause I have to at least try to get on you."
Me: "Dude that is not happening." (Knowing full well, that part of me wants that to happen.)
Jon: "I mean I am attracted to you and liked hooking up with you too...so u can't expect me to not try at all. I am human!!"
Me: "Please. People can def exercise some restraint"
Jon: "naw I wanna get those clothes off...I remember how u were...I mean we can be platnic and everything but that's just so boring"
Me: "Hmmm so friendship is boring? I'd have to disagree"
Jon: "ha naww not saying that but since we had good sex a friendship would be boring"
Me: "so it really is just about the sex then. Suit yourself...I'm not dropping any panties"
Jon: "naw it's not just about the sex. I like hanging out with you...but like I said I really enjoy hooking up with you too. So can't promise it's not part of my objectives. I'll try it a cpl times and either it'll work and we'll be each others booty call or you'll just get annoyed of me trying"

So that's where things stand at the moment. I'm a fool to even respond, but am too tempted not to.

Not sure how this will go down, but see you on the flip side...

xoxo