oh crap.

So I think I'm already breaking my detox and it's only day two.

Meeting a friend for happy hour tonight, then meeting the ex. Killing two birds with one stone?

But I've decided that a harder detox for me would be no shopping for a month. I went shopping with friends last night and resisted the temptation to buy everything I was lusting after.

I ended up going home empty handed, but very happy.

I'm actually really excited to go through my closet and get rid of everything I don't wear...which is a lot. It'll be nice to start off with only the pieces I adore.

Meanwhile, I'll still try to keep the no boys pledge...but since the no booze streak is going out the window, the former might be hard to keep.

xoxo

OkCupid Fail

I've decided to do a detox for april: no booze & no boys

I cancelled my Match.com & OkCupid subscription. Truthfully, I am tired of meeting guys online...then seeing them in person and finding out that through a computer screen, objects may appear more appealing than they are.

Having said that, I sifted through some of my favorite online ogles and am posting them below. Enjoy! All spelling and grammatical errors have been transcribed for authenticity.

come here
April 24, 2009 - 4:11am

(WARNING: Random though to proceed) Wow its fucked up how this website just puts people next to you in a line and then say 'more loving' or 'more adventurous'. this website is such a cockblock.

ok, beautiful lady, passes my filters. nothing left to do but meet you on my stallion and off to the sunset we go. Its not a white horse, those are expensive. I got a run of the mill, economy class, painted horse, but its sexy brown and white.......i digress.

NO EXCUSES WOMAN, you're hot, I'm hot, Lets make this happen. Our kids will be beautiful. My name is Vincent, 347-xxx-xxxx, after 10am and before 10pm please.

you may now resume your regularly scheduled life.

Let me get this straight...first he's telling me how there are more adventurous and loving guys than him, then baits me with a sexy brown and white horse, and finishes with a prediction for our future babies' appearances. I am tripping over myself to get to the phone! But what if I want to call before 10am and after 10pm? I guess it's just not meant to be.

(No Subject)
Jun. 10, 2009 - 4:08pm

hi how you doing? im really into asian woman. i dont know y asian woman are pretty like u ^_~

i dont know y but i really like articulate man like u. we are match made in heaven.

Hello
Jun. 18, 2009 - 10:49pm

Isn't attraction incredible? Imagine relaxing into strong arms holding you, feeling safe and appreciated and intimate, knowing it's totally right. I'm looking too. I'm emotionally literate and willing to take risks. If this speaks to you, message me back.

you are the sweetest girl i have seen on this site
Jul. 7, 2009 - 11:54am

you are very very sexy, hot to. im glenn i would love to be with you, for sure, im mello and would love to cuddle with you for many nights, caress, massage, see how we get along and if we get along well maybe more, i work for airline, love to travel, you want come with me, please write back sweetheart.

I'm speechless.

hi
Aug. 11, 2009 - 4:45pm

Tall, Dark, Italian American, 6'1", very fit and affluent, MBA, seeks an attractive classy lady, intelligent, confident, honest. I love fine dining, the arts, music, reading and much more.

When did this turn into craigslist? I wonder if MBA stands for Major Bullshit Attached?

Let's hope April's showers washes away all the unsuitable men so come May, I'll be ready to play!

xoxo

Say What?

Overheard at work:

Skinny girl #1: "God I'm starving. Is it lunch time yet?"

Skinny girl #2: "What are you having?"

Skinny girl #1: "Well I brought peanuts and celery, but does anyone want the peanuts because I really only want the celery."

omgeataburgerplease.

boy detox

My friends recently told me that I need a boy detox for a month...I promptly replied, "But I've been on a boy detox for 25 years!" According to them, not having a boyfriend, but still having indiscretions, does not equal detox.

Maybe a detox is in order. Now would be a good time to introduce the douche, the ambiguous and the ex.

Why not start with the douche?
Eric and I met up for drinks at a local bar. We started talking about our fondness of cider beer (I'm sure most of you are cringing already) and then proceeded to order our drinks...separately. Strange, yes? He stepped up to the bartender, and ordered one cider beer. She glanced back at me and asked, "Is that all for you?" He glanced back indifferently so I replied, "I'll have the same."

"That'll be $10."

He made no move for his wallet. I casually said, "I have cash." He nodded...hmmm really? So I handed him $6 and we moved to grab some seats in the lounge area.

Ok, so I don't mind going dutch on dates, or even paying for both of us, but he didn't even offer! How rude! And we got another round of drinks and ended up splitting the bill.

If you are trying to impress a girl on a first date, please offer to pay. In turn, I will offer to pay for my half...Is that too much to ask?

But we did have a great conversation, and there was some definite chemistry in there so we kissed at the end of the night.

We've met up two times since and split the bill each time. The last time, he even took part of my dinner home and yet somehow I agreed to go back to his place. Must have been a momentary lapse of judgement due to my shock and hunger. Luckily, my roommate locked herself out the precise moment I stepped out of his elevator...and I had to go to her rescue.

Narrow escape. It wasn't just the bill splitting that got to me. Eric was egocentric and was guilty of name dropping faster than Britney's panties (if she were to wear any).

Moving on to ambiguously well dressed, articulate, slightly high-pitched Derek.
And I'm not even making this up. Eric & Derek's actual names do rhyme as well.

How many times have you heard, "I really like this guy. He's attractive, intelligent, considerate, stylish, fit...but I think he might be gay." Add on "He's a buyer for menswear" and you might as well say, "I told you so."

I've seen Derek a handful of times, and I really want to like him...but something's missing. I've concluded that he is not gay, but I still don't want to rip off his shirt and jump him...instead I want to sip lattes and go vintage shopping. Not the best foundation for a non-platonic relationship.

Speaking of vintage, along comes Jon, blast from the past.
We briefly (and I do mean briefly) dated 2 years ago. I remember joking, "Have you seen 'How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days?' Will we make it past that mark?" Talk about foreshadowing. We made it a total of 10 days, yet he continued to call me for an entire year.

I finally agreed to meet up last year, but after one meeting, decided we were better off not being apart of each others' lives.

Fast forward another year, and I receive a casual e-mail from Jon. I ignore it...but after a couple months of mediocre dates, I decide to respond. So here we are again, in this weird limbo. We both want different things, but can't let go of the fun we have together.

The reason Jon and I decided to stop seeing each other is pretty sordid. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off. At one point, Jon even said, "We've seen each other 6 days out of the past 7... and it's going really well." And things were going swimmingly...we weren't clingy and geniunely had a good time together. Then I receive a cryptic text stating, "Things are going so well but I'm afraid I'm being swept up in a romance." Color me confused. Huh? He elaborates, "This girl is making me be her boyfriend." Um, last time I checked you're 23 and a grown-ass man. Clearly not the case. Maybe I should have seen this coming when he told me he had a couple dates with girls who were "just friends" and had set up before he ever met me. But I didn't mind...because it was fun and we weren't commited and so what if he went on a date or two with people he had met before? I was free to go on dates as well.

Later I found out that it wasn't several girls who were friends, but in fact one girl who was a potential girlfriend. And even after all this, he still wanted to hook up. AND that's not even the worst of it...I kicked his "I may have gotten a girl pregnant/she gave me an STD/I've been seeing someone for 6 months" sorry ass to the curb.

So why am I back for more? I don't understand it either...and all of my friends are bewildered.

Obviously I sought him out because I like his advances, but will I actually go through with it?
Nothing has transpired so far...but if the following text conversation is any indication, I'm headed for trouble...condensed version, but you get the jist. (Side note, why do we sound like idiotic teenagers? This is troubling...)

Jon: "Can't meet up quick cause I have to at least try to get on you."
Me: "Dude that is not happening." (Knowing full well, that part of me wants that to happen.)
Jon: "I mean I am attracted to you and liked hooking up with you too...so u can't expect me to not try at all. I am human!!"
Me: "Please. People can def exercise some restraint"
Jon: "naw I wanna get those clothes off...I remember how u were...I mean we can be platnic and everything but that's just so boring"
Me: "Hmmm so friendship is boring? I'd have to disagree"
Jon: "ha naww not saying that but since we had good sex a friendship would be boring"
Me: "so it really is just about the sex then. Suit yourself...I'm not dropping any panties"
Jon: "naw it's not just about the sex. I like hanging out with you...but like I said I really enjoy hooking up with you too. So can't promise it's not part of my objectives. I'll try it a cpl times and either it'll work and we'll be each others booty call or you'll just get annoyed of me trying"

So that's where things stand at the moment. I'm a fool to even respond, but am too tempted not to.

Not sure how this will go down, but see you on the flip side...

xoxo

dating do's and duds (minus the do's)

Right now, I'm quasi-seeing 3 guys, appropriately named: the douche, the ambiguous and the ex (I'll divulge more later). Neither of these seem particularly promising, which makes me wonder, where did I go wrong?

Let's think back to past dating faux-pas, and see if at any point, I could have circumvented the situation.

*Obviously, all names have been changed, but the situations are so distinct that if one of them were to stumble upon this post, he could instantly recognize himself (gulp).

Scenario 1:

I met Dave* online and after exchanging many messages and chatting numerous times, we set up a date. It was his birthday, and he was celebrating at a bar where his roommate was the bartendar. After wandering around aimlessly in the LES unable to find the bar, I call him and it goes straight to voicemail. I finally find the divey bar, and ask the bartender if he knows the birthday boy. I am told that a debauched Dave had just stumbled out of the bar (red flag?) .

The next day, I receive an apologetic call...his phone had died and he was indisposed as it were. We agree to meet again...and he is still celebrating his birthday in the same bar. hmmm...questionable, but I decide to give it a shot. I meet him at the bar with my friend in tow, and my first thought is, "he does not look like his pictures." I'm sure many of you share this experience. He was just a little bit older, a little bit heavier, and a lot intoxicated. I'm not feeling it, but I try to be gracious...afterall, it IS his birthday, AGAIN.

After a couple drinks, my friend grabs a lime, wedges it between my lips and yells, "tequila shot!" Suddenly my prediection has betrayed me. The forced lip interaction quickly turns into a makeout session, and suprisingly, he's a good kisser. Before our lips came into play, he divulged that he was a smoker (I think his 3 smoke breaks within 30 minutes gave it away), and I promptly told him smoky kisses are not so sexy. He did toss back a couple pieces of gum, so I guess that's considerate?

Long story short, I'm ready to go and my friend is worse for the wear. He walks us to the cab, and does not even bat an eye as she hunches over and spills her contents on the sidewalk . I usher her into the cab and we are on our way. Shorltly after the cab pulls away, I receive texts from drunken Dave. "Do your kips miss mine as much as mine miss yours?" and other nonsense (double red flag?). Shockingly, this does not immediately turn me on and have me exclaiming, "Driver, turn the cab around!"

And this gets even better. Dave and his texting courtship strikes again with a suggestion for dinner (Before we met, we flirted back and forth via text and jokingly referrenced our dexterous digits...In hindsight, maybe I had this coming?). I casually write back, "Where do you want to go?" And his response is...wait for it..."Would inside you be a bad answer?"

GIANT RED FLAG!

ok, me and my dexterous digits need a little rest. Looking forward to sharing more dating disasters!

xoxo

pucker up kiddies!

So after several half hearted behests (oxymoron, I know) from friends for me to start a blog, I'm deciding to give this a whirl since I've got some time to kill, and some beans to spill.

Let's not tread lightly...

Sometimes I can be a real bitch. Generally I talk before I think, which gets me in trouble...but there are rare occassions when I save the really soul crushing comments to myself...because, well, I don't really want to crush anyone's soul...just one's ego...or face*, depending on the situation.

I'll be sharing some anecdotes and fashion cues, two things I could never life without (not including family/friends of course...oh and an unlimited flow of cash...I wish).

Be prepared to coo & hiss...as all's fair in lust & scrutiny.

xoxo

*I would never actually physically harm someone...unless I'm fleeing from an angry mob of zombies or elbowing a b*tch during a particularly frenzied sample sale...kidding...zombies don't exist.